strangely parked cars

“American Idol” stalls approaching decade on air

Wed, 7 Apr 2010 17:59:09 -0700

Sinking ratings, petty squabbling and no more Simon? “American Idol” is in desperate need of a Hail Mary, and quickly if FOX wants to save the once landmark show.
ABC dealt a powerful punch to “Idol” this week as its “Dancing With the Stars” drew the higher ratings, and “Idol” is at risk of the lowest audience since 2002.
But is this really a surprise to anyone? Not if you’ve seen any episode. Viewers are barraged by product placement (Simon sipping from extra-large Coca-Cola cups, and an entire segment on the contestant’s free Ford Fiestas), forced to listen to former American Idol flunkies perform and sit through constant bickering by the judges.
That last part has become the most annoying part of this show. Arguments routinely start between judges Simon Cowell and Kara DioGuardi, the result of DioGuardi’s unbridled praise clashing with Cowell’s scathing criticism of a performance. These confrontations used to provide some drama for the show, now they’re simply distracting.
And with Cowell leaving at the end of this season, American Idol is set to lose its biggest star, and the only judge whose comments are actually mildly interesting, if you can hear past his ego. FOX brought in Ellen Degeneres, perhaps to test the waters for a replacement, but with little musical expertise, she can’t say much more than “I liked it” or “ I didn’t like it.”
Then there’s Ryan Seacrest. Sure, he might be good with the female viewership, but he’s not helping rationings when he Tweets the results of the show before it airs on the West coast (as occurred during the elimination of Lacey Brown). Even Seacrest’s overly-dramatic opening line (“This is ‘American Idol’”) seems more grating than gripping to both the psyche and the ears.
“Idol” must return to what it does best: music. The brand can only produce music icons like Kelly Clarkson, Chris Daughtry and Carrie Underwood when they have an audience. FOX must rid the show of the cheesy advertisements, the guest performers and the personality clashes, and make it back about the artists.
“Idol” brought the game show to primetime – a genre of television once thought simply to be daytime filler – and recorded landmark ratings in the process. It’s a powerhouse in television and music, and can be for quite some time if it sticks to the proven formula.
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” doesn’t often apply to television, but it does here. Fans fell in love with a format – a feel – that is “American Idol.” Keep providing that feel, and keep the fans. Change it, and that’s when things go out of tune.

Curling: Give it a “Curl”

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 07:41:34 -0800

Let's face it, there are some strange sports out there (downhill cheese rolling comes to mind). If you own a television, you'll have noticed these black sheeps of competition have rolled onto our most prized sports stage: the Olympics.

Events like nordic combined - coupling ski jumping and cross-country skiing - is one such sport that makes you wonder if those who dreamed it up spent too much time in high altitude. Then there's curling.

I couldn't find a specific date when curling became the source of ridicule, the butt of jokes and the standardized definition for boring, but it was likely the day the sport was conceived. It's the only event where sweeping your house could be considered a form of training.

For those of you unfamiliar with curling, teams slide a "rock" down a lane of ice, hoping it stops on a target painted on the ice. The sweeping comes into play after the rock is released - two teammates trying to control the direction and speed of the rock by melting the ice around it. It's shuffleboard on ice with the added element of sweeping, the only calorie-burning component of the sport.

I agreed with the curling critics. I never understood how something so un-sportish could be in the same category as something like downhill skiing where competitors rocket over jumps and around turns at highway speeds, and often end up on their faces. Then curling came on my television while I was doing homework.
An hour later, I was standing up in my room, screaming for the U.S. women’s team to block the German rocks out of the circle and move to the next round. I didn’t understand what had happened at first. I believed I’d been brainwashed, perhaps bored so much that my brain had shut off and I didn’t comprehend what I was actually watching.
But as Germany knocked both U.S. rocks out of the circle in one powerful slide, I realized it wasn’t a mind trick. I actually enjoyed curling and, more than that, I appreciated the sport. No there aren’t high speeds, high risks or any significant physical component, but there is a strategy component that creates some energy.
Still, that wasn’t why I watched. Chess is filled with strategy, yet I would rather stab my eyes with curling brooms than watch a single game. Chess also isn’t considered a sport, and so maybe curling shouldn’t be either. I’m torn as to what exactly curling should be, but I do believe it has a place. It has audience appeal. It won over a skeptic like myself, stealing my eyes from my homework and an hour from my day. I can’t say the same for cross-country skiing or even hockey. But why? What’s different about curling?
It’s obscure. I realized I enjoyed watching simply because it’s such an underdog in the sports world. It’s like the weakest puppy in a litter. It stole my heart because I was hoping it would overcome its challenge. I paid close attention to the announcers, listening to the inflections in their voices for a source of entertainment. I tried to get myself involved by guessing where the rocks would end up. In short, I subconsciously worked to enjoy curling. And I did.
It just goes to show you that you can do anything you put your mind too. So have an open mind, and don’t be afraid to watch a game. You might just lose track of an hour of your day…and then have a sudden urge to sweep out a garage.

Free Willy is not just a movie, it’s a command

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 07:41:34 -0800

Have you heard about Sea World’s latest attraction? It’s bringing people to the Orlanda, Fla., park in record numbers, and what do you know, just in time for Spring Break. It’s their world famous orca whales. Watch them leap out of the water, splash cute little kids, play with a beach ball, and then mull one of their trainers to death.
Yes, it happened again. A killer whale killed its trainer in front of a stunned audience last week. Let me reiterate. A killer whale killed its trainer. Not a cordial, polite, happy whale. A killer whale. And we are surprised?
Tilikum is the whale responsible for the death of veteran trainer Dawn Brancheau, the third death attributed to the so-called alpha male at Orlando. Experts say that Tilikum didn’t drag his trainer into the water and thrash her apart by accident; the attack was premeditated by some reason we may never know.
I believe I do. Experts say killer whales are much more likely to be violent towards humans in captivity, and I’m not surprised. When the show ends and the crowds leave the stadium, Tilikum and his fellow performers are kept in tanks barely large enough for the whales to turn around. If they were in the wild, they’d be swimming more than a hundred miles a day.
Tilikum has been in captivity for 27 years now. That’s 27 years of bobbing in a Tupperware container, flipping a beach ball into the air, and dealing with screaming children (if you’ve ever been trapped on an airplane with one, you know that’s enough to make anyone homicidal).
It’s a tragedy that the trainers are the targets of the whales pent up aggression, but it’s not a surprise. These people swim with the whales on a daily basis and are the only living things they come in contact with besides each other. If Tilikum decides its time to file a complaint that his cage is too small, it’s not going through facilities; he’s giving the message to his trainer.
An online pole on USAToday.com found that 79% of respondents believe it’s not fair to keep the whales in captivity, and I agree with them. It’s time to free these animals so they can fulfill the lives nature intended them to have. It’s time to free Willy.
And unless we do, no one should be surprised to see another attack. I certainly hope Sea World is better prepared for it. In the mean time, I’m sure they’ll be adding bleachers to the stadium and measuring their free publicity in dollar bills.

American Duress

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 19:41:43 -0800

We worry about our credit, but do we ever worry about our credit cards? They are treated worse than tax collectors. Here's just a partial list of ways we use our credit cards, other than the way they are intended:

Drink coaster
Ice scraper
Gum remover
Mirror
Door pick
Table leveler
Weapon

Most worrisome for me, though, is where men store their cards. They put them in their wallet, put their wallet in their back pocket, and sit down. For hours. That's hours of relentless pressure on the innocent piece of plastic - 170 pounds or more of constant torture. I refuse to place my wallet in my back pocket for this reason. But I broke that rule today because my other pockets were full, then I sat down in my car. I got out immediately. I'm sorry Visa.

Commercial Christmas Songs

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 16:37:59 -0800

Ah, tis the season for corny advertising jingles: spoofs of Christmas songs intended to push products. We hear them used to market everything from electronics to automobiles, but advertisers, I think, could do much better. So I decided to make some suggestions. Below I have taken some popular Christmas songs, written a spoof, and suggested the product I think should be in the advertisement. Merry Christmas.

“Silver Bells” > Sliver Bells
Band-Aids

“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” > Santa Claus Aint Making a Sound
Hearing aids

“The Most Wonderful Time of Year”
Rolex

“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow” > Let It Go, Let It Go, Let It Go
Prozac

“Marshmallow World”
Jet Puffed

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” > Grandma Got Run Over by a John Deere
Tractor Supply

“Jingle Bell Rock” > Jingle Bell Socks
Gold Toe

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” > Santa Claus is Coming Downtown
Municipal advertisement

“Frosty the Snowman” > Frosty the Mailman
United States Postal Service

“Silent Night” > Silent Light
Home Depot (light switches)

“All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” > All I Want for Christmas is a New Christmas Wreath
Holiday store

“Winter Wonderland” > (Mint)er Wonderland
Chewing gum

“You’re All I Want For Christmas”
Works to sell any product